Bleeding Miseries
by GethinPathIsolator
Summary: Feliciano is fine. He says so even if he sometimes cut. It's not like there's something really wrong with him. Gilbert is bipolar. He insists that he doesn't need help, but he knows he has to stop denying. Ludwig is just caught in between, so he turns to alcohol. And Lovino… oh… he's never coming home. AU.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: I don't own the characters.

**Warnings**: This story contains characters who self-harm. Some themes might be touchy subject. If you're a close minded person, this isn't for you either. Read at your own risk. Thank you.

**Author's Note**: The next chapter would be uploaded after I finish writing the whole story which hopefully won't take more than a month. Some of the characters will be OOC to fit the story line, hence, Feliciano's inconsistent use of _ve_'s.

This is more of an experiment on my part, actually, but I hope that I won't mess it up.

Drop a review if you can/want. They are **appreciated. A Lot. **

Thanks.

* * *

Feliciano is fine. He says so even if he sometimes cut. It's not like there's something really wrong with him.

Gilbert is bipolar. He insists that he doesn't need help, but he knows he had to stop denying.

Ludwig is just caught in between, so he turns to alcohol.

And Lovino… oh… he's never coming home.

* * *

Chapter One

**The** first cut doesn't bleed. Feliciano Vargas was well aware of this fact. Unless you wanted to die, moving the blade across your skin doesn't draw blood the first try. The chances were pretty slim, almost always, at least.

It was like testing the waters when you get to the edge of the shore. Little by little, you come closer until you feel the small ripples touch your toes… until you find yourself waist deep in the salty ocean.

Perhaps, he was wrong too and that for some, the first cut does bleed. Maybe, they weren't cowards like him. Maybe they had had the guts the first time unlike Feliciano who, for a long time, waivered over and over again before reaching that point. Yes, seeing that red crimson make a thin line on his skin was an achievement.

He doesn't cut on his wrists. They were too obvious. It's where people would expect you to. As pitiful as Feliciano maybe, he wasn't dumb – a little slow to catch up on some things, but he was clever when needed. He had to be careful. If they see, they wouldn't understand. They would try to fix him.

There was nothing wrong with him.

He was fine, fine, _fine_!

He was fucking perfect even!

It's been so long since he started that Feliciano doesn't even remember _why_ he did in the first place. He doesn't even know why he keeps doing it and it's a little scary how slicing himself up seem so trivial nowadays. He doesn't stop, because, as trivial as it was, it was a necessity. Or, at least, it felt like one.

When he sees those scars, some old and fading while others were freshly inflicted, he wonders if he hadn't done it that night, would he still have done it another time?

And the question remains unanswered and Feliciano tries his hardest not to think about it.

He tries his hardest not to ask why he keeps on hurting himself.

God knows he wouldn't stop either way.

He just can't.

"Fratello, I'm going out. I'll be back before dinner." Marcello, the youngest of the family, shouted from across the hall. Feliciano quickly turned off the faucet. He wiped the part above his knee dry and cleaned the wound. He didn't want it to get infected, of course, because if it did then he'd have to tell a doctor, then everyone would know.

"_Si, si_, take care!" He managed to answer but with a little strain in his voice.

If Marcello hadn't been hurrying to meet with his friends, it would have been obvious. But he was and, for some time, he would regret it.

Feliciano wrapped the blade in paper towels before disposing of it outside the house.

It was a lovely Saturday morning and everyone except Feliciano was home. Unlike usual, Lovino won't be coming back from the dorms. The oldest Vargas had called last night to tell them some things came up. 'Next week, for sure,' Feliciano thought, 'he said so himself. He'd be here then.'

Although grumpy and generally a bitter person, Feliciano loved spending time with his brother. Granted that he always yells at Feliciano and Marcello and Grandpa… and everybody else, Lovino kept Feliciano sane. He might be the only force keeping the younger Vargas from tipping off the edge.

Deciding that it was such a beautiful day to waste, the brunet resorted to taking a walk in the park. He grabbed a bag containing several art materials and left.

It takes approximately five minutes to get to the park when walking, if you're a normal person that is. Feliciano always takes about ten minutes.

He was that kind of guy. All smiles and laughter, always up for a chit-chat. Never mind that he has multiple cuts just above both of his knees. Pretty inconspicuous place, he thinks. Worst that could happen was get hurt bad enough that standing becomes painful.

It has never happened though. Feliciano was careful.

But maybe one of these days… just maybe he won't…

Apparently, many thought that it would be a nice idea to spend the morning in the park – mostly old or middle aged people though. Feliciano had no qualms sharing his sit with an aging woman in the less crowded part of the park. Maybe they both think it was best not to get hit by a stray ball or Frisbee, he thought.

In a span of three hours he had done five sketches. They weren't masterpieces, but they were more than doodles too. They were probably going to end up in the bottom of his drawer where all of his other sketches are. He doesn't throw a single paper.

Lovino says he keep a lot of extra baggage; he just shrugs him off every single time.

He even has the first present his _nonno_ gave him: a stuffed bear. He's outgrown sleeping with stuffed animals, but that bear was safely hidden in his closet still. Then there were those ribbons he received from his kindergarten teacher. The small notes and recommendations that he ends up not using, they are still kept in a box.

Feliciano loved these little trinkets. Looking at them makes him feel _valued._

"That's an awfully pretty drawing you've got." A voice said and Feliciano was driven out of his thoughts. The old lady was long gone and on her previous spot was an albino.

_He's awfully happy for someone genetically defective._

"Hey, you wouldn't mind giving that away now, would you?" The man smiled, revealing a set of unusually sharp canines.

Feliciano was caught off guard. The man who was probably just a few years older than him was unlike any he'd met before.

"Ve~ Do you want them?" He says cheerfully adding his well-known "verbal tic" (Really, he could get rid of his ve's if he'd wanted to talk to the person on the same level.). Maybe he really hadn't wanted to let those sketches go, but he didn't have time to think. He doesn't regret it though.

"That'd be awesome! Still not as awesome as me though," the albino says, "You see, I'm leaving town for a while and I'd really miss this park and these would be a great décor on my new room. You won't mind if I take them all would you?"

Well, he was certainly assertive.

Feliciano continues to smile and he quickly signs all his sketches before handing them out to the strange man.

"Oh great!" The said man exclaims. "Oh I'm Gilbert, by the way, and I'm Prussian!"

Feliciano pays well enough attention to history class to know that Prussia no longer exists. But he keeps his mouth shut because, hey, if he could be happy and preppy for other people while slicing himself behind closed doors, then Gilbert could be Prussian all he wants.

"I'm Feliciano, ve~ everyone just calls me Feli though. Maybe they think Feliciano is a bit too long. Four syllables, _si?_ It doesn't bother me much. Feli is cool too, but you see I read somewhere that pets named with two syllabled words get accustomed to their names faster it's like saying that people's brain capacity rivaled only those of house pets. It's scary, _si?_ I mean…"

"_Bruder!" _He was cut off by a deep voice that belonged to a blond blue eyed man. Gilbert's brother was dressed nothing like him. Unlike the albino's sweat pants and long sleeved shirts (Feliciano guessed that it works better with the Sun.), the other man was wearing a neat button up shirt and slacks.

Just by looking, one could tell that this guy was serious.

Feliciano could just imagine it: the whole class would be muttering about a stupid project, but that guy would just get on with it, a teacher's pet, straight A's student, probably, a member of the student council, always wore the complete uniform. Yes, definitely a good boy.

"Oh West! Meet Feliciano, he drew me these awesome things. I'm bringing them with me." Gilbert ended with an unusual laugh, ignoring the glares he received from his brother.

"West?" _Who would name their child West?_

"My name's Ludwig and I'm sorry if my big brother is bothering you." _Ludwig- sounds very German indeed. Where did 'West' come from?_

"Oi! I wasn't being a bother."

Feliciano nodded. "Ve~ don't be mad at him Luddy. Gil was being nice."

"See? See? I was just being my awesome self."

Ludwig sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose as if easing an oncoming headache away. "Fine, but we have to go now." His voice was stern but Gilbert remained unfazed.

"Already? You're no fun, West," the older of the brothers whined and matched with a pout.

Feliciano couldn't help but laugh at the brothers' exchange. It made him think of Lovino. Not that they bickered that way.

"Feli! West is being a bully, save me." Gilbert latched himself onto the Italian refusing to meet the eye of his brother.

"Lunch," Feliciano said with a big smile, "Let's have lunch at my house!"

"Really?" Gilbert brightened at the suggestion.

"Brother!"

"_Si! Si!_ I'll make pasta."

"Alright, then lead the way."

ooo

Ludwig wasn't sure what to expect when they reached the Vargas home. The bubbly Italian had seemed so, so _irresponsible_ that it's a wonder how he'd manage all these years. To top it all, the house was pretty clean for someone with an attention span like him (or maybe the other family members took care of the house… or maids? Feliciano looks like he lived a privileged life.). The German wouldn't even deny that his first impression of the guy wasn't positive.

It was like something was just _off_.

But if there's one thing he was sure of, it was that Feliciano makes the best pasta.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: I'm sorry I lied (?) Still halfway through this. I decided to change the ending. Next chapter will be uploaded on 1st of July. Updates every two weeks. This fic isn't long though.

Read and Review! Thanks!

* * *

Chapter 2

There was no promise of meeting again. Though the German brothers and Feliciano got along well that Saturday, nothing more was said. Although they had talked about many things, various topics, and had hit off amazingly good, neither party left a contact.

Feliciano, though thinking it would have good to be friends with them, didn't mind much. It would have been good to be friends with them if he had any inclination to keep friends.

Monday and Tuesday went as usual in the private school he attended. He sat alone in lunch and spent his free time in the library or the rooftop. Occasionally he would say hi to those he considered as acquaintances and stay with them for a few periods before going off on his own. He was just like that: not completely a loner and definitely not an outcast. He didn't belong anywhere in particular but people were always glad to have him, the cheerful airhead of an Italian who excelled in arts and music.

Then on Wednesday, while walking home from school and passing by the park, a large body hit him and made him stumble; thus, scattering his books.

"Aster! Come here, boy! Aster!"

The familiar stern voice was followed by a series of bark from the Retriever that rested on top of the Italian.

"Aster!" Ludwig called one last time before the dog left the shorter man to stand. Even so, Aster continued to lick and prod Feliciano. "Down, boy," the blond said with more force making Aster obey fully by sitting beside the fallen Italian.

"I'm really sorry for that. Are you alright, Feliciano?"

Feliciano was on his knees feeling some of the deeper cuts re-open. The fall had been anything but gentle. He wouldn't have minded meeting Ludwig or Gilbert again, but in a different situation.

"I'm fine." He tries to assure the other male. He tries to stand but fails as he felt another twinge of pain.

_I went too far last night!_

"Feli!—"

"I'm fine!" Eye widen at his sudden outburst. People turned to look making him regret his actions.

"I'm sorry." He stands then, ignoring the searing pain.

After gathering all of Feliciano's things, the two men sat down on the nearest bench.

"Where's Gilbert?" Feliciano asked trying to drive away the silence between them.

Ludwig tries to ignore the sudden change in the younger man. For one, he hasn't heard a 've' out of his mouth. Instead of a carefree demeanor, Feliciano seems uneasy.

"Ludwig?"

"Uh, yes, uhm, he's home. Sleeping… I think?"

Aster decided for that moment to bark happily, hoping to gain some attention. The brunet patted his head and cooed.

"He's a Golden Retriever, _si_? How old is he?"

"Two years. He's only been with me for three months. I got him from the shelter I'm volunteering for." Feliciano didn't look a bit surprised. He continued to pet the dog unawares of the pink tinting the German's cheeks.

Usually, Ludwig would keep this to himself. For someone of his stature, something more serious and "less fun" would have fitted his image. Heck, even his own brother laughed at him the first time he had to bring over a sick kitten for a 24 hour treatment.

Ludwig cleaning the dogs' cages, Ludwig bottle-feeding the kittens, Ludwig playing with the bunnies… wouldn't he rather be learning how to shoot a rifle or a pistol?

"That's kinda cool. I always wanted a kitty but Lovino – that's my brother, remember?– said the kitty wouldn't last with me. Hehe… I guess he's got a point." Ludwig can see it too. Feliciano would be overly affectionate and most likely over feed the creature. But nevertheless, he would be a caring and gentle owner. But the kitten might grow up to be obese, if it survives severe over feeding.

When he turned to look at the shorter man, he saw a distant look in his eyes. It was so, so _real_. His image of Feliciano from the previous Saturday was quickly distorted.

He didn't even feel the shift of his expression to his disbelief.

"Luddy?" The man's face was quirked in question.

"Ah. No. It's nothing." Ludwig was surprised by the sudden used of his pet name that the man himself had thought of. "But Feliciano, it's… you…" He trailed unsure of what to ask. "Are you okay?"

For a split second, he saw Feliciano's eyes widen. He caught him off guard.

"I'm fine, I'm fine." Feliciano was mentally scolding himself. He'd been too lax; when confronted, too defensive.

"Oh, Luddy, I've got to get going." Feliciano said obviously evading being asked.

Ludwig said no more. "Sorry to have kept you."

Right then, Feliciano didn't mind not seeing the Germans again.

As he was walking away, Ludwig called out, "Feli!" It would be rude and out of character to ignore him when clearly he heard him. "This Saturday, uh, would you… would it be a bother… er… Gilbert says he wouldn't mind having lunch with you again."

After that statement, Ludwig was beet red. He didn't know what came over him. He just had to say that and to top it all, he even used Gilbert's name.

"Ah, I wouldn't mind, but Lovino might be coming home this weekend. Next time, okay_?"_ Feli gave a small wave before completely turning away.

"_Ja, _okay." Ludwig said to the wind. Not long after, he called Aster to walk home with him.

ooo

He got home to see two new bottles of pills on the counter and a pissed off Gilbert sitting in the couch. His older brother sat crossed leg, fist closed and fingers digging into his palm with force. Ludwig leveled himself in front and took his brother's hand before his nails could break skin. He looked at him straight, eyes full of sympathy. What he got in return was Gilbert pulling himself away from him and storming off to his room. The loud slamming of the door was proof enough for Ludwig that it'd be lucky to see Gilbert down for dinner.

He sighed and stood up. He went to the pills and quickly inspected them before putting them away where Gil couldn't find them. Knowing his brother, those pills were going to be a waste. There was no way Gilbert would take them willingly. On better days, the albino would flush them down the toilet. If they weren't so lucky, his brother would down the whole bottle in one go.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** From where I'm from, it's the first of July today. I'd like to express my gratitude for the positive response I got from the previous chapter. Now, the date I've marked on my calendar for the next chapter is **July 16,** but I might still change my mind on that and post on an earlier date depending on the feedback I get from this chapter. Fair enough?

And I'm not sure if you guys have seen my other on going Hetalia fic, _What they needed most_, but anyway, there'll be two updates for the month of July and the next chapter would be uploaded next Saturday, the 13th.

Criticism is very much appreciated.

Please point out grammar mistakes. Please.

Reviews... please? =)

* * *

Friday came by fast. Like most teens, Feliciano was excited for the weekend, mostly because he was expecting Lovino, if not later that night, then early the next day. But what greeted him was an anxious looking Marcello talking to their grandfather.

"Ah, Feli, you're back." Grandpa Rome greeted with a smile though with evident weary eyes. Marcello looked down, chewing on his bottom lips, and almost crying.

"What's wrong, Marcello?" Feliciano asked genuinely concerned for the youngest Vargas.

"Just call me if dinner's ready," Marcello said abruptly standing up causing the chair to move back and make a scratching noise. Both of the older Vargas made no attempt to follow.

Perplexed, Feliciano turned to the oldest of the household. "_Nonno?_"

"It's nothing Feli—" his back was turned to him, busy preparing what they would need for dinner "—just school." His voice remained steady and Feliciano didn't see the flash of sorrow in his grandfather's eyes. "Lovino called," he added.

"He did? What'd he say?" Feliciano eagerly asked.

"He says he's busy again tomorrow. He might not make it next week too."

ooo

Feliciano knocked on Marcello's door knowing fully that his brother probably won't give out any response. He tried three times any way. And that was enough for Marcello to open the door, albeit angrily.

"What?" the younger boy said in a harsh tone that would have made Feliciano back away if he were a classmate.

"Do you want to talk?" Marcello, if it was even possible, glared harder at his older brother.

"No. Leave me alone." He tried to close the door but Feliciano's foot got in the way.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing!"

"Marcello." Feliciano said his brother's name in a pleading tone that made Marcello think twice. He didn't budge anyway. Instead, he stomped on his older brother's foot before slamming the door shut.

Feliciano left with a defeated sigh.

ooo

Three weeks later, Lovino still hadn't come home which made Feliciano anxious. His brother has never been away from home this long.

_What if he doesn't want to see me?_

_What if he refuses to be acquainted with a brother like me?_

_What if he still hasn't forgiven me?_

_What if…_

_What if…_

Negative thoughts ran around his mind as he held the blade at the palm of his hands.

Its edge was covered in fresh blood.

"It's the last one," he whispered. "I'd have to buy a new box."

He wraps the material in tissue before getting out of the bathroom. He disposes it outside the house.

Feliciano walked to the nearby grocery. Taking a bus seemed like a waste if the place was twenty minutes away even if it was by walking.

That was a lie.

In truth, Feliciano needed to think.

_Would buying a pack of blade be too suspicious? Should I consider buying other things? That would be a waste of money if I won't use them anyway. No, the more I think about this, the more ridiculous it becomes…_

So, walking to the aisle that had what he wanted, he didn't expect to see the albino he'd met a few weeks prior.

"Feli!" Gilbert greeted.

"Ve~ Gil, it's been a while." Feliciano said back.

"I knew it was you. There's not a lot here that has the same gravity defying curl like yours." Gilbert laughed. The older man was carrying a basket of fruits, beer, and assorted candies.

Feliciano was growing worried. He had to buy new blades, but with Gilbert here, it would be hard to remain discreet. There weren't much people inside to begin with. This would have been perfect.

"Hey, we really enjoyed the lunch you made, so, why don't me and West treat you today? Does French sound good to you?"

A beeping noise was heard from Gilbert's pocket and he quickly scanned his phone.

"C'mon, West is waiting outside and besides, I'm leaving tomorrow." He grinned, showing off his pearly teeth. The albino gave Feliciano no chance to protest, so with a forced smile, the Italian let him lead the way.

ooo

There was a French restaurant not far from the store, but still far enough to require a car ride that would last four about fifteen minutes. Ludwig drove. Gilbert sat on the passenger's seat and Feliciano in the back seat. It was an older model of Lexus but still ran swiftly with no hassle. It was their grandfather's gift to the boys.

"How are you, Feli?" Ludwig said keeping his eyes on the road.

"I'm fine," the Italian answered.

"Hey Feli, you paint right?" Gilbert said while fumbling with his phone, probably playing a game of sorts, Feliciano thought.

"_Si_." He answered not entirely sure where the conversation was headed.

"Well, I'm leaving tomorrow for some vacation and shit and –"

"You are?"

"_Ja._ Anyway, as I was saying, have you painted the park? I wouldn't mind buying a painting from you. The sketches were really nice, but I guess a painted work would be awesome!" The self-proclaimed Prussian excitedly explained.

"I don't mind giving you one for free. We're friends, aren't we?"

Feliciano wasn't thinking when he said that and it wasn't until moments later when he realized just exactly what he said. Though Ludwig and Gilbert remained indifferent, or rather glad, in fact, it disturbed him. But then again, he and the brothers rarely saw each other; it might not be as bad as he thought.

"Really? Awesome! But would it be okay for you to drop it by tomorrow? I mean, I am leaving tomorrow and the place isn't a stone's throw away—" Gilbert was cut off by his mildly embarrassed sibling.

"_Bruder!_" Ludwig scolded. "Feli, I hope my brother isn't bothering you."

"Aww, West, you're being too stiff." Gilbert whined.

"No, no, it's really fine really. I don't mind. My brother won't be home again, so I have nothing to do." Feliciano said.

Ludwig gave a little 'hmp' before focusing his attention more on the road.

"Not again, aye?" Gilbert said finally putting his phone away. "How long since he's been home?"

Feliciano thinks and somehow the question unnerves him. It couldn't have been more than a month, could it? Maybe three weeks at the least? It made him wonder. Really, when was the last time he saw Lovino?

"About three weeks, I think," he answered with doubt.

"College is really busy. Just wait a little more, it gets better. I know from experience." Ludwig could sympathize because he too was a college student in one of the local colleges. He's studying to be an architect. He's got a simple dream and has all of it planned inside his head. Such a responsible kid indeed.

"_Ja _and most of the times they're having PMS with all the work they've got to do. Half of the time you can't talk to them like human beings… sheesh."

"Hey, like you weren't like that!"

"_Ja, ja, _whatever you say. Turn left. It's supposed to be right there."


End file.
